In Between Dreams

On a whim, I revisited my Multiply page and chanced upon the last blog entry that I had written there. I was amazed at how much has changed since I wrote this. Even more astounding were the determination that I didn't realize I had and the concrete steps that I actually took to make my plans happen. Take note that this entry was dated September 7, 2009 and it's now been exactly three years and one month since then. Here goes.

It might be time to get a non-Multiply blog, but for now, I return with my thoughts just because they need sorting out and I could do with knowing what's going through your minds about these things. 

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It took me 22 years to realize that I need to start dreaming. Since childhood, it seems that I’ve never really had any solid dreams of my own. I have had neither the extremely idealistic plans of becoming President of the Philippines, nor the more realistic goal of becoming a doctor or lawyer. I pretty much just went with whatever came my way, whether in the form of suggestions based on my inclinations, or whatever opportunities suddenly presented themselves to me. Throughout my years as a student, I had always been goal-driven in terms of grades. By the time I had gotten to college, I also thought that I had solid teaching plans laid out. Unfortunately, with that plan came expectations of opportunities falling on my lap, and the plan to be a teacher did not come with the steps on how to to become a teacher. I also felt the need to try out a world that was foreign to the academic environment which I had become much too comfortable with. And so thrusting myself upon the fast-paced and better-compensated (compared to teaching anyway) environment of market research, I began to re-evaluate my teaching plans, and look deeper into the specifics of the teaching that I had wanted to do.

When I was nearing graduation from college, I knew that I wanted to teach at the university level. That, of course, would require an MA, at the very least. With that comes another necessary decision: what do I want to specialize in? I decided that since I loved kids, I would go into Developmental Psych. But aside from teaching at the tertiary level, I wasn’t quite sure what else I could do with a degree in DevPsych (since, at this point, I knew that teaching at a the State University was not enough to sustain a lifestyle remotely like the one I have gotten used to). Since I wasn’t ready to make such decisions, and as mentioned, I wanted to gain non-academic experience, the need to choose was paused when I began working at Nielsen. Eventually, dissatisfaction and the reignited desire to teach set in, and I was forced to re-evaluate what I really wanted to do, and more importantly, how I wanted to get there. In the process, I had passed up a very good opportunity, and settled for something less capable of fulfilling my intellectual needs. Still, I take this as my chance to rest, and then begin with my academic pursuits. But that still doesn’t quite lay out a clear path for me. I have yet to figure out what my dreams really are.

A few years back, I thought that my only definite dream was to become a good mom and wife, and if I were lucky enough to find a husband who could sustain our entire family, I would readily give up my career and focus on the kids. At this point, I have doubts as to whether I can find a husband at all. So now I’ve got a more pressing need to decide on a personal goal that is less dependent on such serendipitous circumstances. A few possibilities come to mind. The most appealing at the moment is the idea of putting up a school that helps develop a love for learning in children. Initially, I had only dreamt of becoming a teacher who could instill such an attitude in her students. But since my sister shares the same frustration with the increasingly negative and high-pressure outlook towards school while also having her entrepreneurial dreams, I’m seriously considering giving it a shot. But this plan leads me back to my current problem: what academic path should I take to attain the credibility needed to put up such a school? Another possible plan for me is pursuing my MA (in a yet undetermined field), and teach at the college level while simultaneously maintaining ties with the qualitative market research world to supplement my surely meager income.  Still, I have to determine what specific degree I want to pursue. Now I intend to give this the serious thought that it needs.At this point, I know that dreams come to life, not with destiny but with careful evaluation of both skills within the self, along with challenges and opportunities within the environment.

Dani's 30 before 30

I've been highly prone to mood swings since last week, so I tried to push myself into an up swing tonight by revisiting my positivity project links (yes, I have such a folder in my bookmarks bar). In the process, I revisited this site on The 30 before 30 Project and was reminded of the fact that I can now round up to that daunting number. On the up side, most of the people close to me are a lot closer to 30, so I know I have more time to tick items off my own list. But before an hour ago, I had no such list. With a need to have something to look forward to, I decided to (finally) come up with my own. Here it goes, in the order that the items randomly appeared in my head:

1. Get published in a local journal
2. Get published in an international journal
3. Learn how to put on eyeshadow
4. Present a study with sole authorship in a local psych conference
5. Attend an international psych conference
6. Perform on stage again
7. Watch at least 10 must-see movies from the 90s and back (sub-list to follow. Take note that I'm the person who watched Jurassic Park just two years ago, watched my first Indiana Jones film just this year, and has only seen episodes 1-4 of Star Wars)
8. Read all the books that I have so far (print or electronic version, as of October 1, 2012)
9. Experience living away from home for more than a month
10. Apply for a PhD program abroad (acceptance date and scholarship not necessarily before 30)
11. Write a children's book
12. Find an organization to volunteer with regularly
13. Reach 100lbs, and stay there
14. Go to Australia and see a koala, kangaroo, bandicoot and platypus
15. See the wildlife in Kota Kinabalu (organgutan and pygmy elephant high on priority list)
16. Visit Mindanao. Yes, I have never been there.
17. Become part of a socially relevant research project
18. Create my retirement fund, and stick to it
19. Climb Mt. Pulag
20. See Sagada and the Rice Terraces
21. Spot a dugong
22. Read enough about all the major religions to understand their fundamental principles
23. Create a sustainable psychosocial program in Bagong Silangan
24. Flawlessly play a new piano piece
25. Complete a photo a day month
26. Learn how to cook without recipes or guidance
27. Read at least 20 original classic psychological studies
28. Open a checking account and write out a check
29. Let go of old journals and letters to make way for new memories
30. PS8 :p

Finishing my thesis and getting my master's degree is glaringly absent from this list, because I don't want to jinx it and end up procrastinating until right before I'm 30. So I will finish writing my thesis this year and graduate in April, thankyouverymuch. 

Who Am I?

During my "lunch break" from checking reflection papers, I decided to write about what I've learned from my students' words. Their papers were meant to answer these questions: "Who am I? What experiences shaped who I am? What do I want to become?" Yes, I know they're the ultimate overused reflection questions, but I think it's important for an adolescent to really think about these questions, especially in a Psych class. After finishing two sections' worth of papers (and still one more to go), I came up with a list of things that struck me most:

Some students feel like they don't have options, while others feel like they have too many. Either one can be a struggle to deal with. 

Didn't most of us go through this? Then again, many of us twentysomethings still experience this. Some are pressured by parents or social expectations into taking a single path, regardless of one's actual desires. Others are so gifted that they are bombarded with so many options, but no single choice resounds as THE road to take. We call it quarter life crisis, but it actually begins in adolescence. 

Students need to be heard, even when they make themselves seem like they don't care.

I regret the fact that I have barely heard most of my students' voices in class. Because of this, their reflections are actually the only way for me to really get into their heads. Their writing about this particular topic startled me into realizing that they all have so much to say, and that there is so much depth to all of them even if some of they might space out, sleep, or talk to their classmates during my class. It's a pity that I'm only really getting to know them towards the end of the sem. Knowing this, I guess it means that I need to encourage them more to speak up during class, but not in a way that pressures them.

Children can be awfully cruel, especially to the chubby kids.

A lot of kids go through a hellish childhood when their peers tease them about being fat. Many grow up with doubts about themselves, and take matters into their own hands by shedding several pounds (whether through healthy or unhealthy means). Some decide to shy away from the spotlight, making themselves almost invisible. Others do the opposite and use this as leverage to try to excel in other fields, and show their tormentors that the extra weight won't stop them from doing what they want. Regardless of the route they decide to take, their childhoods are less than ideal. Of course, this unjust experience of bullying is not exclusive to the chubby kids. There are other versions of persecution that go on in schools that play a major role in the identity formation of their victims.

College students are stronger than they seem.

Young as they are, a lot of them go through challenges that many adults like myself have never had to grapple with. It's admirable how much resilience they are facing life with, that they are sure to overcome whatever else comes their way. Some of them speak with such optimism that you wouldn't even realize how much they've been through. Of course, others have had an easier life, but they also possess a strength and courage that only needs to be tapped. Oftentimes, they just need to believe in themselves more.

Being a psych teacher means earning the trust of your students.

I could see clearly how much more open my students are in this paper compared to those from the earlier part of the sem. Of course, some are innately high in self-disclosure than others, but the way that their honesty has progressed is very encouraging. I never imagined that I would have them telling me about things that they wouldn't even tell their friends about. This is something I consider both touching and daunting at the same time. 

Earning this trust involves the responsibility to become more than just a teacher to them.

This is the reason why. It doesn't stop at me giving them grades for what they wrote on those papers. By being entrusted with their thoughts and feelings, I feel a duty to do something more. None of them wrote that they needed my help. Some of them might even think that I'm being assuming offering my assistance. Maybe they just needed to be heard, and writing it down was enough for them. But what if there are some who do genuinely need help? All I can do is offer to listen, really. I'm no therapist, but I still believe that I can at least be there for them by letting them speak without my passing judgment on them. Hopefully, that'll be enough.



To end, I'd like to thank my students for letting me peer into your vulnerability. I leave you with a TED talk by Brene Brown on The Power of Vulnerability.  

On Freedom and Work

Fridays are always my most difficult work days. It's that day of the week when I don't have to leave the house, so my tasks involve thesis, teaching or market research work, with the internet as my biggest enemy. It's particularly worse today because my phone conked out on me, so my need to stay connected (and therefore stay sane) is only addressed by the internet. So I might as well just get all these thoughts out of the way, and hope that this unclogging will help me refocus.

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PoCH Martial Law Special

Today, people commemorate the 40th anniversary of the declaration of Martial Law. To help students become more aware of this fading historical memory, Psych O'Clock Habit, the UP Psych Department's radio program on DZUP decided to have a Martial Law special last night. While I sat there listening, it dawned on me how little I really knew about the story of this era in our country's story. Aside from the edited stuff that they fed us in school and online, I haven't really been in touch with the humanity and the relevance of this period. Being someone born a year after the EDSA Revolution, I had to wonder what even younger people knew about Martial Law. It would be pretty safe to assume that they know even less than I do.

After all, we belong to a privileged generation that was born during a time when speaking up was the norm, and elections meant hearing politician's faces plastered everywhere and putting up with traffic jams caused by campaign convoys. But how have we really used this freedom that we are enjoying now? Have we used this capacity to make choices in a way that would actually make an impact on the lives of people around us? Probably not enough. As an educator, this democracy has allowed me to speak my mind in the classroom without fear of being punished severely (although I still feel a slight need to be guarded when teaching in a Catholic university in light of recent national events). But in the pressure to be able to teach my students all the concepts that are essential for them to pick up in a Psych 101 class, I have been unable to make them really understand the implications of all the things they have taken for granted. I'm no history professor, but I think it's still important for students to get a better grasp of their context and their possible impact on the society that they belong to.

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Speaking of teaching. I recently stumbled upon this article on what work is really for on the day that I (finally) got my first paycheck from UP. Of course, I began teaching knowing and constantly reminding myself that I'm not really gonna make money out of this job. I used to think that would be the biggest hurdle in deciding to continue teaching, but it dawned on me at the moment I read that article that this meager income may actually be a good thing. Of course, I might also be able to say this because I do market research on the side, and I consider this my main source of income. But when I look at the way I treat teaching versus market research, I see the truth in what the article says: work feels more like a burden when you're doing it for the money.

Because teaching is not the most lucrative of professions, there are greater motives that drive one to continue doing it. After all, you see people staying on for decades of their lives, and they're obviously not there to get rich. With my first sem almost over, I'm beginning to see what that's all about. Sure I may become exhausted after teaching three classes in one day, and dread the thought of checking mountains of papers. I occasionally feel happy about getting a no class day, and frustrated when my students don't listen or just don't get it. But I never felt like I'm doing it because I have to. I'm doing this because I chose to teach, even if there are other more materially rewarding professions that I can easily get into. Sure, I may eat these words when I start having to worry about supporting kids, but at this point in my life, I can say with certainty that I am where I want to be. I'm just fortunate to have also made good career choices in the past so I at least have some ways to make up for the shortcomings of the academic life.

Teacher, Teacher

Today, someone called our house asking to speak with my 94-year-old lola. It turns out that said caller was one of my lola's students when she was an English professor in NU way back in the 70s. I had to wonder what kind of teacher my lola was to have someone call her and check up on her almost 40 years later. She would often tell me about how she would be a terror prof to her students, but also about how beloved she was. When she retired from teaching with 30 years under her belt by then, she had her former students' kids going up to her and saying what a pity it was that they couldn't have her as a professor. These narratives leave me affirmed with my own decision to teach.

My lola, the teacher and also a big PBA fan

Of course, it's quite presumptuous of me to think that I would make a similar impact on my students. I've really only begun teaching, and there's still so much to learn. Reaching that level is probably more of a work in progress at this point. I'm just glad to see some marked improvement in my students' performance in their second exam, though I've still got quite a handful who seem not to understand the subject matter. That, or they don't care enough to try harder. I suppose this would be my challenge to myself - to make my students care more, and make them realize that Psych 101 is not just another class that they have to pass. I always tell my students in their essays and reflection papers to dig deeper. Perhaps this is also something that I have to do to make my classes more relevant to them. I guess another challenge would be knowing how high I have to set my expectations. No matter how hard I try, not all students will do well. Individual differences do exist, and my assessment tools wouldn't be very effective if all of my students performed excellently. Still, it won't hurt to keep trying. Maybe I'l also receive a call from one of my students 70 years from now, if they haven't given me a heart attack by then.

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Yes, I'm trying to start writing more often again. Certain conversations in Cebu have built up the difficulties that lie ahead in working on my thesis, the biggest hurdle being the writing part. So I'm trying to maximize this blog to sharpen my rusty writing skills with the hope that it might make this task even just a bit easier.

* Calling on the other half of this blog team to join me again here.

Psychologists Unite

(c) PAP

I had recently taken another step towards my serious pursuit of my academic psychology goals by attending the Psychological Association of the Philippines (PAP) convention in Cebu. Even if I had to spend for this myself due to the absence of any papers presented, I decided to go anyway because I needed a clearer idea of how people present their research when the time comes for me to do so myself. It was also a way for me to get out of my comfort zone because I had planned the trip alone, although I knew that my co-faculty from both UP and Ateneo would be there. Now I'm back home and I know that I made a really good move. I got what I went there for and so much more.

On a personal level, I had managed to make my introverted self inch out of my proverbial shell, gaining a sense of comfort with my colleagues that I knew would have taken much longer if our interactions were only limited to the department. My sense of independence has also improved, since I had made all my arrangements and stayed in my room alone. Yes, it was planned too late and I had to suffer the delays that come with taking the last flight in and out, but I can now take pride in this step that I took. Listening to the different presentations have also helped me gain confidence in my own abilities, both as a researcher and a presenter. This is not to say that I won't be crazy nervous when I finally face my own audience. But at least now I know what to expect.

More than anything though, going to this convention has strongly reinforced my desire to stay in the academe.   For one, there is still so much to be done in the field of psychology. Listening to the research presented by my colleagues, it became apparent that we've only just begun to scratch the surface especially in the Philippines. Psychology is such a dynamic science that changes along with the society within which its processes take place. Topics of interest have begun to take a more solid form, and the idea of collaborating with people excites me. The opportunities (and also the challenges) that lie ahead are also becoming clearer, giving me a more realistic idea of what I can do.

So yes, barring the very real speed bump presented by the Psych Bill (which still needs much ironing out, by the way), I now know that I want to be a psychologist through and through. Then again, you might want to ask me again when I can't afford the comforts of life that I want. For now, I can say that I'm in the right place.

Food, Glorious Food

Throughout most of my childhood, instant noodles would be regular merienda fare. Even in college and my first year of grad school, pancit canton would be my quick go-to meal. But based on the bad reputation that this food item has gained over the years, with or without empirical support (e.g. IQ-lowering MSG and indigestible ingredients), I decided to stop eating it and opt for healthier food choices. Today, I started craving for instant mami because of the cool weather, so I decided to indulge for a bit and cook some up for myself. I went to the kitchen, put water in a pan and grabbed a pack. While waiting for the water to boil, I checked out the nutritional information out of curiosity. Lo and behold, one serving contained about 93% of my daily sodium needs. Back in the food basket it went.

Instead, I opted for some soft-boiled eggs Kopi Roti style. It didn't quite turn out the way I wanted it to, so I began searching for copycat recipes. I found none, but ended up reading this awesome food blog instead (which incidentally also had interesting instant noodle recipe suggestions, and a run-in with a company producing such products) and found myself drooling over their recipes. It made me want to cook, become a food blogger, and explore new flavors. All this as a result of my desire to eat healthy and lose weight. It doesn't help too that I belong to this food-loving family, and my own love affair with food will probably never end. Still, I'd like to believe that good food and good health can go together, but I've yet to discover how. There's so much information on the internet that it tends to overwhelm. Any suggestions?

The Ochoa Love Affair with Food

On a totally unrelated note, writing seems to be coming back to me. I can't quite tell whether this is a good thing or a bad thing, since the time I spent writing this was supposed to be spent working on my thesis. Speaking of my thesis, an entry should be in the works for some interesting findings I've uncovered.

{Aaron} In line with this, I have been bitten by the health bug. It all started with a shoot with a magazine for a portrait session with a yoga instructor. And then all of a sudden, I'm doing yoga, eating my veggies and enjoying my new found flexibility. But it all came together recently when I had a food shoot bonanza with an up and coming book series about healthy food that can be easily be done at home. Like this smoked salmon covered scrambled eggs on top of wheat pandesal.

Schooled

It's been five months since the last entry. I think it's time to try to return to this habit (again). My life now revolves around teaching and my thesis, and these two new experiences have broadened my horizons in ways that I didn't expect.

I have wanted to teach since I graduated from high school, though the subjects and students have changed throughout the years. But with my love for psychology, which has intensified over the years, I decided to take concrete steps to share this amazing knowledge with students. With the unexpected opportunities that were given to me, I am now teaching in two institutions close to my heart, and have begun to realize that my romantic notions need some adjustment. This reality check was largely due to my students' performance in their first exam. I had high expectations which most did not meet. These results led me to reflect on what went wrong, and I realized that my experience as a student is probably very far from that of the average student.

Extrinsic Motivation at Its Finest

I went through most of college with an unquenchable thirst for knowledge - learning something new was a source of excitement, I listened to my professors intently, read and highlighted my books and recited like the nerd that I am. Now that I have changed roles in the classroom, it dawned on me that most students do not share this enthusiasm for learning. It may partly be due to the excessively extrinsic focus of many students, i.e., the need to fulfill class requirements to meet a certain grade (high honors for some, just passing for others). But blaming it on them will get me nowhere. Teachers also have a responsibility to instill this love for learning when it is not yet present in their students. Now the challenge lies in figuring this out. Step one probably involves remembering that students have different interests. Integrating all these in the class and going beyond my own interests would be essential. I'm going to have to let go of the things that I consider important and try to focus on what THEY consider important. An exercise in empathy and role-taking is probably in order so that what I teach will be relevant to my students' experiences too.

May the Odds be Ever in Your Favor

As I was working on my related literature on divergent thinking across the life-span, I had stumbled into the heart of my desires as a researcher: to go against the odds that may hinder optimal development. My studies so far in developmental psychology have shown how certain people are a disadvantage in particular domains. Two such groups have been of interest to me in my research this semester: children in poverty and older adults.

You don't need to consult psychological research to know that children growing up poor are at a disadvantage in all developmental domains. They are more likely to be malnourished, have delayed cognitive development, have behavioral problems, and so on. It seems all too easy to conclude that being poor almost makes you doomed. But then we hear of all these rags to riches stories. There are people who manage to overcome their circumstances. As a psychologist, I would like to understand how that happened. I want to look at the elements of their lives, be it parenting practices, education, chance opportunities or what have you. With this discovery, I would also like to maximize these elements so that more people will have a way out.

A similar line of thought comes with research (and daily observations) on aging. We blame age for our forgetfulness and slowing of thought, among others. And yes, it has been found that our neurological structures do experience some degradation as we age. But the beauty of the brain is its plasticity. New connections are formed with novel and complex experiences. And so with research, I would also like to understand what kinds of experiences can help enhance cognition even as we get older. I refuse to believe that old age solely predicts the downward trajectory of human development, and I will not allow that to be an excuse for neglect.

I recognize that these circumstances do present a disadvantage for people. But understanding how exactly these circumstances operate to bring about such outcomes can help turn them around. Recognizing this possibility just makes me want to pursue psychological research even more. I suppose this entry after a relatively long hiatus will serve as a reminder when the task becomes too daunting.

2012

http://xkcd.com/998/

Midway through the past year, I said I'd start writing again, and I did. Unfortunately, I also stopped soon after. Well, not completely. I did write a whole bunch of market research reports and Psych papers, but that wasn't really what I had in mind, since they don't quite fall under the category of writing just because. It's highly likely that this renewed interest in writing is brought about by the new year. Twenty-four (fine, almost 25) years later and I'm still attempting to make resolutions that are likely to be broken soon enough. But part of me believes that things will be different this year. A lot of maturing did take place in 2011. I hope it continues this year. A lot of things are in store, after all.

I said that this blog wouldn't be an excessively personal account. So I'd like to focus on what I started with, the new year. Yes, it's a few days late, but this will have to do. This new year, I seemed to become hyperaware of everyone's zest for facing the new year. On the one hand, I may have become more observant with increased Psych experience. On the other hand, it just might be an actual spike in people's declarations about the past year and the year ahead. You have to wonder why so many people are making such a big deal about it. January 1, 2012 pretty much just felt like any other tomorrow to December 31, 2011. Nothing drastic happened with the addition of one to 2011. But I think as people, we're all suckers for new beginnings, with the chance to start over. It's highly likely that it's all just in our heads. The number of unfulfilled resolutions can probably attest to that.

But then you also have data (I use the term loosely as I have no specific sources cited) on the spike in breakups and resignations in January. So yes, some people really do start over at the start of the new year. And yes, even if many of our resolutions remain as resolutions for the following year (and n number of years after that), the fact that we are making resolutions means that we are stopping to examine ourselves. But really, this ought to take place more frequently than just a yearly basis. Each day, after all, is a new beginning. If every new day were treated like a new year, maybe we can see more good changes happening.

http://thingsweforget.blogspot.com/2011/12/782-happy-new-year.html